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On Women & the Battle Between the Sexes

• "I like my tea like I like my women, cold & bitter with a splash of bourbon."
• "I like my steak like I like my women, bloody rare."
• "The most intolerable part of sex with my ex fiance was having her lie in my arms afterwards and ask me what I was thinking when all that was going through my mind was 'Dear God, I wish you would shave your legs'."
• "An old acquaintance told me over dinner one night, that once weight loss surgery had run its course and I was down to a normal weight, she considered me fair game. It never occurred to her that if I was not good enough for her now, she won't be good enough for me ever. A warning to everyone, never be so rude to someone you intend to date."
• "Working with her is as challenging as it is enervating."
• "I see a tinge of bitterness on her countenance, it shows in the slight lines about her eyes, in the slight curl of her lip, and in the iron dullness of her voice, they make her distaste palpable. I recognise the look on her face, I remember it well, it is the look that of one that has made their peace with despair, of one that has decided that hope is not a necessary part of existence. I am staring at a lost soul, to my credit I resist the urge to kick her in the head and send her on her way."
• "There is one neurotic and overwrought woman who tells people that I am erratic because I was molested as a child. She based her diagnosis on the what she had learned lying on her therapist's couch. I rather coldly informed her that she ought request a refund because the therapy lessons obviously weren't working."
• "As a rule of thumb, no woman ever looks thirty until she turns forty when it becomes a compliment."
• "A woman asked me if she could watch me with another man, I told her that I considered sex a private matter, between myself and my chosen partner, and the couple waiting to use the restroom stall when we are done."
• "She is always certain to tell you the sheer number of gay men that she has had as lovers, what she always fails to clarify is the sheer number that discovered their homosexuality after involvement with her."
• "The only way to describe her is to picture Skipper at forty. What's that? Skipper, Barbie's duller, less popular sister."
• "You can take the trollop out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the trollop."
• "People expect three things of me, that I say things that make them laugh, say things that make them think and have impeccable taste. This last being my way of saying to you, love, that I could never take a romantic interest in a woman that actually enjoyed the movie Detroit Rock City."
• "All women pay to get laid, whether they think so or no. Frankly, all men pay to get laid as well, money isn't the only currency, merely the simplest."
• "These days, the majority of my friends are female, I find that they are usually more at ease with my sexuality than men are. And, frankly, it is rather difficult to get straight men to go out and see male strippers with you."
• "I rarely, if ever, date Caucasian women, the reason is that they can't dance. It's painful to watch them twitching spasmodically on the dance floor as if in grand mal seizure, one is tempted to apply CPR rather than a kiss."
• "To know her is to wonder what you ever saw in her."
• "Her relationship with the truth is not a monogamous one. More precisely, as in her personal life, she practises serial monogamy, and intelligent, mature, plain looking truths are continuously tossed aside for pretty, young and vacant truths that are good in bed."
• "I make it a firm rule to never date women that have had more men than I have."
• "She fancies herself an amateur psychotherapist, the emphasis, in her case, being on the words amateur and psycho. Letting her read therapy books is like letting a six year old play with matches, nothing but trouble ever results."
• "When people prattle on about the mystical thing called love, they forget that at its heart, love is a four letter word."
• "I never liked Wagner operas, songs that last longer than two days are tiresome. Frankly, the same can be said of most love affairs."
• "Love isn't merely blind, it's bloody insensate."
• "I don't do one night stands, or, as I prefer to call them, short term monogamous relationships, with women, it's simply too much work if the only payoff is an orgasm. With men, all the controls are in the same place, women simply have too many working parts. Men, well, it is like the first time I ever played with a Nintendo. Turn it on, play with the joystick, fire off a few rounds, in an hour, maybe less, I was done, and then it was off to bed. Women, well, it was like the first time I ever used a computer, OK, I've turned it on, now what the Hell do I do with it?"
• "There is a world of difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. The latter is that ethereal state where one feels the rush of excitement, the surge of emotion and divine Eros and his tendency to shoot us in our most vulnerable spot, right between the legs."
• "She is the type of woman that leaves in her wake a trail of drunken bachelors determined never to love again."

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