God & Religion
- "Have any of you thought of what a burden omniscience must be? Just think of all the things you wish you didn't know (but do anyway), and all the things that you're glad you don't know. Now think that God in Heaven has to know these things and more. It really has to be the worst job there is."
- "God in Heaven looks out for drunkards and fools. Fortunately I had the foresight to cover both bases."
- "It is now Easter, that time of year when Christians all across America celebrate the resurrection of the Jewish Messiah by violating Mosaic dietary law."
- "Martin Luther posited that government was the left hand of God. If Christ were the right hand of God, then the state was the left, and was required to do God's work on Earth. Of course, if the government is the left hand of God, we can surmise that the IRS is God's left middle finger."
- "My largest problem with Islam as a religion was always that it was so obviously developed by Arab men for Arab men. What is the description of Paradise? To the Jew it is Abraham's Bosom, to be with one's family, relatives. To the Christian, really, there are no descriptions, just the promise of union with Christ. Islaam? You get to sit in an oasis and be fed dates by virgins. Well, who wants dates and virgins? Aside from the horny Arab brigands that Mohammed was trying to appeal to. Had he come in this day and age, I imagine it would be porn stars and crystal meth."
- "I used to think atheists were just like everyone else, after having known so many over the years I have come to realise that they are nothing more than fundamentalists that have abandoned the search for God."
- "If God really were a woman, She would have only created two things, a mirror and a vibrator. Unless She were an ugly woman, in which case She might have invented Olivier Martinez too."