Toasts and Holidays
- "The real purpose of marriage celebrations in this day and age is for the happy couple to enjoy themselves after the headaches and annoyances that go in to the planning of it."
- "May you be as happy as you deserve, and your children grow up to give you fewer than half the headaches and heartaches that you inflicted upon your parents. Joy to you on this day of days, may the happy times be many and the bitter few. May your family not embarrass you too much at the ceremony and may the reception not turn in to a drunken donnybrook. May your mother not tell too many humiliating childhood stories to your new inlaws and may your new father in law not make a drunken pass at one of your eighteen year old cousins of either sex. In short, may your wedding be the only wedding this year to be civilised. And when it isn't, may you take it all in with grace and a good laugh, and hope that the video artist records it all so that you can blackmail the bastards later. If you can survive the wedding without either one of you filing for divorce, the rest shall be a breeze in comparison."
- "The Fourth of July is my least favourite holiday, full, as it is, of beer, barbecue, and badly behaved relatives."
- "My problem with ham is simply where it comes from. I simply can not get past the fact that I am eating a pig's buttocks. It makes Easter dinner something like a carnivorous rim job."
- "There are certain rules that always ought be observed when dealing with women, the first of these is the You are what you eat rule of etiquette. What is that you ask? It derives from an old vaudeville routine Sweets for the sweet? and it's reply Would you care for some nuts? This being my way of implying that certain foodstuffs ought not be given to women on special occasions, and tarts would be near the top of that list."