You aren't reading this, are you? Bastard.

"I once heard a man prattle on uncritically about the 'corrosive inquisitiveness' of science, sadly, he didn't see the irony. So much for his thesis."
"I would call him a loathsome bastard except that the Loathsome Bastard Anti- Defamation League would lodge a protest at the comparison."
"He will spend sixteen months complaining about how Massassachusetts oppresses white heterosexual males like himself. What is that? You say I have put an extra ass in Massachusetts? I did no such thing. His parents must bear that responsibility. Pity that they weren't pro choice, then they might have made the right one."
"As for exposing you, never fear, a gentleman never tells, so neither shall I."
"He never was the brightest bulb in the box. He is in fact, the flickering two watt bulb that gives off an annoying din that one only sees in bad movies, and he naught more than a bad fictional character."
"I like my weather like I like my men, raw and wet."
"I like my waffles like I like my men, covered in strawberries with a dollop of cream."
"I would offer comment about your dating someone so young, except that the last time I had the effrontery to do as much the female friend in question told me that I was only allowed to comment on the topic of chasing younger men as an expert, I have since desisted on the subject."
"I like my jazz like I like my men, hot and swinging."
"I like my scotch like I like my men, strong, straight and aged 25 years."