His Favourite Subject
- "I am currently learning from my mistakes. It seems to be the one course I continuously fail."
- "I set out, as a young writer, intending to be the next C. S. Lewis, and have found myself instead a risque Ashleigh Brilliant."
- "I am not a pornographer. I am merely a purveyor of illustrated material that caters to the baser parts of human nature."
- "I am a woman trapped inside the body of a man, I just get confused because she's a crossdressing, bisexual street hustler named Carlos."
- "There is an old adage about beggars not being choosers. I used to be a beggar, thankfully, these days, I am a chooser."
- "I am an Englishman trapped in the body of an American. I considered nationality reassignment surgery, except that I was given to understand that the English hormone shots induce mad cravings for hot tea, buttered scones and badly cooked food."
- "I am very popular with people from Britain. Presumably because I'm one of the few Americans that speaks English."
- "I am never more than half serious, except when the occasion warrants it, at which point I cease to be serious at all."
- "I tried non violence for years, but it doesn't work, not really, because they keep beating you up, eventually, my classmates worried that I was some sort of time bomb and would end up in a clock tower shooting people. I tried turning my back, and they only kicked me in it."
- "I tried therapy once, of course, being a Scot, I picked the cheapest therapist I could find. It didn't work out. During my first session I confessed to him that I was an alcoholic and a homosexual. He simply replied 'Hey, one more strike and you're out.' I suppose I ought be thankful, until that moment I hadn't known that alcoholism counted as a vice."
- "I may be a white man, but I am not a honky."
- "Catholicism is more tolerant in its attitudes than Protestantism as a whole. The Catholic Church correctly understands that there is no cure for homosexuality, they merely ask us to restrain our urges, the same as they do for alcoholics, addicts and gluttons. I notice that I seem to cover most of these groups."
- "Though I may be the last of the New England gentleman now, I was born in a slum and once lived in a trailer park, I have never forgot my humble beginnings."
- "Don't let my geek nature rub off on you, lest you find that your crowd of male admirers becomes dominated by thin men with pale skin, weak eyes and large hands looking to use you for your mind. I feel so cheap when men use me for my mind."
- "It is important to remember that you are what you eat, which might explain why I'm such a prick."
- "I am the last person anyone should ever ask for advice, because if I ever deign to give it, it will be so utterly absurd that you will get exactly what you deserve should you be dimwitted enough to follow it."
- "Sometimes I wish I could be like my self absorbed actress acquaintances, they never have doubts, they aren't intelligent enough to."
- "When I finally told my parents the truth about my sexuality, my mother looked at me vacantly and said 'I don't know who you are anymore' at which point I told her that I was the same person she hadn't known for years."
- "I was so far in the closet that I passed through Narnia on the way out."
- "It is not that I mind people spreading nasty rumours about me, I do enough of that sort of thing myself. I just wish that they would have the manners to ask my permission before doing so."
- "I am NOT a pervert, when you are as good at it as I am, you are considered a provert."
- " I am the Russian novelist of email."
- "Are you questioning my verbosity?"
- "I was a child progeny."
- "I think half the reason I identify myself as bisexual is that it allows me to annoy gay people much as it does straights. Now, if I could just find a way to simultaneously anger smokers and non smokers I will have really accomplished something."